Embarking on the Road to Self-Compassion
“At the most basic level, self-compassion simply requires being a good friend to ourselves.”
-Dr. Kristin Neff
I used to strive for self-esteem. I longed for self-confidence. I wanted to believe that in whatever area I was feeling insecure that I was as good if not better than everyone else. Without fail, whenever I believed I had achieved that state of mind, I would stumble in some way, and my self-confidence would come crashing down around me. I would then attempt to rebuild my self-esteem all over again, and the cycle continued.
What’s funny is that I feel more courageous doing things I thought I needed self-esteem to do before and am in no way more certain that I will succeed at them. I fully acknowledge there is a decent chance I will stumble and fall, feel embarrassed, rejected, inferior, or some other painful emotion. What I now have is the belief that when I experience those things, I will be okay and will be there to comfort myself when I’m hurting. The difference came from beginning a practice of self-compassion.
The research is clear: we benefit from increasing self-compassion. It's all about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you'd offer to a friend. Remember, we all stumble, we all have tough days, and that's okay. When we practice self-compassion, we create trust in ourselves. We begin to trust not that we will magically avoid all pain but that we will be there to comfort ourselves when we experience the pain that inevitably comes with being human. Dr. Kristin Neff is a leader in the field of self-compassion and has broken down what it means to practice self-compassion in a way that is understandable and doable.
Here’s a simple 3-step way to practice self-compassion based on her work:
1. Mindfully pay attention to your suffering or any feelings of distress.
Acknowledge your feelings and hardship as such. Notice and name any tension or discomfort in your body. You might say to yourself, “This is really hard…This is a moment of suffering…This is painful to experience.” You might also say anything that feels natural and genuine to you that helps you to notice and acknowledge without judgment any suffering you are experiencing. When we experience our feelings mindfully, we practice acceptance of the pain without exacerbating our suffering.
2. Connect to the common humanity of suffering.
Remind yourself that hardships, pain, and suffering are part of being human. Suffering is not a reflection of your inadequacy but rather a reflection of your humanity. You might say to yourself, “Anyone who has walked in my shoes would likely be feeling this same way.” When we connect to the common humanity of suffering, we find connection with others for healing and support rather than isolation.
3. Treat yourself with kindness.
Offer yourself words of kindness and encouragement, just as you would a dear friend. Being kind does not mean invalidating pain and suffering to get the pain to go away but rather treating yourself with care and gentleness because you are suffering. Imagine your friend is sick with a virus like the flu and is suffering from physical symptoms like chills and body aches. You wouldn’t tell your friend to stop having those symptoms or try to get the flu to go away, because we know that a virus runs its course and we hopefully recover in not too much time. Instead, we make our friend comfortable and bring them soups they like, movies they enjoy, or a blanket they find cozy because we know they are in pain. Treating yourself with such kindness is sometimes simply saying to yourself, “I’m here for you…I’m here for you because you are suffering, and I’m so sorry you are going through this.” You can also offer gentle encouragement to yourself. “You got this…I believe in you.”
If you are curious about deepening your self-compassion practice, I highly recommend The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Dr. Kristin Neff and Dr. Christopher Gerner, as well as visiting www.self-compassion.org. Self-compassion is a powerful tool for resilience and self-growth. Give it a try!