Coping with Perfectionism as Gay Men

Continually feeding our need for positive self-evaluation is a bit like stuffing ourselves with candy. We get a brief sugar high, then a crash.

-Kristin Neff

Perfectionism often shows up an “inner saboteur” as RuPaul would say for many gay men, often causing stress, anxiety, and a constant fear of falling short. As gay men, societal expectations, past emotional wounds, and a fear of inferiority may intensify the pressure to conform to an idealized image. By cultivating self-compassion and a healthier relationship with ourselves, we can begin to work with this perfectionist part of ourselves rather than fall prey to its defeating messages. 

This practice can be intense, so be gentle with yourself. If it feels like your perfectionist part is not ready to be worked with in this way quite yet, just notice it and back off. If perfectionism is significantly impacting your well-being, consider seeking support from a mental health professional. As therapists, we can provide guidance, coping strategies, and a safe space to explore the underlying factors contributing to perfectionistic tendencies and navigate this healing process.                                                                                                                         

Notice It

Get to know your perfectionism. When we refer to our perfectionism, we are referring to a part (or parts) of ourselves: the perfectionist part. It’s important to remember as the founder of IFS, Dr. Richard Schwartz, tells us, there are “no bad parts.” We are made up of many parts that help us navigate life’s challenges. Some parts help us manage day-to-day tasks, some parts protect us from past emotional wounds being triggered, and some parts carry such wounds. Parts in all categories are there to help us, even the perfectionist part.

Understanding the roots of perfectionism can help decrease judgment of it and gain clarity into its function. Reflect on your upbringing, societal influences, and personal experiences that may have contributed to the need for this part to exist. Maybe it helped you through a time that was really difficult and thought being critical or harsh was actually helping you in some way. Notice what words the perfectionist part uses with you. When does it tend to be louder? What does it say? Recognizing these origins and patterns can provide valuable insights into this part’s function and your relationship to it.

Rename It

Chances are the part we call our “perfectionist” was named by another part at odds with the “perfectionist.” If we look at how the part we referred to as our “perfectionist” part is really trying to help us, we can begin noticing its intention to help us and naming it more accurately. Remember, intent is different than effect. By noticing its intent and possibly protective nature, we can begin to work with it. We can notice how it’s trying to help us versus the effect it is having on us and ask it to use different words to accomplish its goal more effectively.

For example, my “perfectionist” part is renamed my “high achieving” part. When it starts to use words that are critical and harsh, I ask it to use different words to help me continue to work toward my goal. My inner talk then becomes encouragement, motivation, and compassion.

Form a New Relationship with this Part

Once you’ve clarified this part’s intention to help you and renamed it appropriately, you can begin to have a new relationship with this part. You can start by letting this part know how old you are and that the function it was serving for you in the past is much different than your current circumstances. Let this part know what words actually help you and how it can talk to you differently. You can even thank the part for trying to help or protect you, while letting them know that help and protection need to look different than harsh criticism from now on. And when this part falls back into its old ways, give it a gentle reminder that other ways of talking to you are more helpful and request it use those instead. 

Embracing self-compassion and understanding our perfectionism can transform a source of stress into a supportive aspect of our personality. By recognizing and renaming our perfectionist part, we acknowledge its intention to protect us, even if its methods are sometimes counterproductive. Building a healthier relationship with this part requires patience, kindness, and, at times, professional support. This process allows us to appreciate all parts of ourselves, cultivate a more integrated and compassionate self-image, and navigate the world with more love and understanding.